you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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