The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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