you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
