She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
