My room smells like vodka and shame
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
