3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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