the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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