ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
