A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
