he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
