Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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