Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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