I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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