Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
