Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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