he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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