I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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