he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
