My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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