I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
