another moral hangover. fuck.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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