Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
