Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
