i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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