Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
