I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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