My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
