I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize