Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
