I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
