ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
