I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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