My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Never underestimate the power of titties
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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