I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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