I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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