the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
