I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
