You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
is that a dick in a sweater?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
