Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
