If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
