god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
