Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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