it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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