Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
