i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
