4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
