According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
