Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Girls should come with a carfax report
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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