Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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