So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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