This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
