i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
