she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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