All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
