His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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