arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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