My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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