you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
