My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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