do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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