just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
