If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
