so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
