Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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