im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
His hands were made for my vagina.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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