Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I need a beard to bite.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize